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… but then I got distracted.

Damn it.

Ok, maybe another day.

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I spend my days thinking about what holidays and events are coming up, so that I can properly plan out what things I can bake for the occasion. Like, what I can do for Valentine’s day — what kinds of cookies I can make, to express my love best. I have great ideas. I have new favorite websites, and they have some amazing things. And I do my best learning by imitating. It works perfectly, actually.

I think, if only I would put this much enery into lingerie…. I might just make my point (my love, admiration, lust — etc) known even better. But where’s the fun in that (hahaha — ok don’t tell me, I know, I promise). Maybe I will make lingerie cookies. Yeah, I can see I have a problem now. It’s ok though.

Cookies and lingerie. I am a good wifey.

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Hi. Looking good, Monday.

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First let me say — I wrote this days ago. I’ve actually been writing all the time, just not posting. It’s a lot of fun, and I can’t recommend it any higher. Except for you guys — I like when you actually write and post. So do as I say, not as I do.

Second — I love this photo. This is happiness to me.

Ok, now for the point of this, which I’ve revised enough to hopefully make my point, make me happy for the day, and teach you guys something new and interesting.

So finally before I let you go — yes I know, I wrote about this a long time ago. But I’m posting it again. Because I think it’s important. And it’s relevant. And… because I really don’t think you read it. So I will tell you how it works. So that you too, can not give a fuck. But I’ll tell it to you in the abbreviated version. But when you have time, or really what I mean, is when you make the time — go read it in full. It really is fantastic.

The Complete Guide to Not Giving a Fuck

First, 5 things to realize before you can move on.

1 – What people truly respect is when you draw the line and say “you will go no further.” They may not like this behaviour, but so what? These are people don’t like you anyway, why should you attempt to please people who don’t care for you in the first place?

2 – Not only do most people not know that you exist, and some are judging you, but it totally does not matter even if they are. Because check this out: when people don’t like you, nothing actually happens. In fact, the more you ignore them and just go about your business, the better off you are.

3 – You know when they say “the best revenge is a life well lived”? Well, this is true, but it isn’t the whole truth. A life well lived is great, yes, but it cannot happen while you are sweating about who your detractors are and what they think. What you have to do, what you have no choice but to do, is accept it and move on.

4 — Relationships are weird. Once we’re in one (with family, a spouse, whatever), we promptly begin to take the other person for granted and move on to impressing strangers instead– say, our boss. Then, once we’ve impressed our boss, we start taking him for granted too, and so on, in an endless cycle of apathy. It’s like we always prefer to impress and charm the new than to work on what we already have. But these people– your champions– they understand your quest or your cause. They make you feel good when you’re around them, make you laugh or make you feel like you can just be yourself. They make you feel relaxed or at ease. You’ve shared things with them. They’re important. Focus on them instead.

5 — What it takes to move past anything is to simply realize that your obstacle is unimportant, and that it can be dismissed. If you dismiss the things that do not matter; if you remove those things from your mind and focus on what must be done; if you understand that your time is limited and decide to work now; only then will you be able to get to the finish line. Otherwise, you will be dissuaded into living a life you aren’t interested in.

Then, 4 steps to take towards not giving a fuck.

Accept, or deal with, awkwardness. Another kind of social awkwardness is this in-between space where you might have done something wrong or been wronged, but don’t say anything. I’ve been given a few harsh lessons in my time and come away realizing that the freedom that comes from talking about an uncomfortable truth is better than the comfort of avoiding that talk altogether. Someone told me recently that the Clintons’ method for earning respect in politics is this: if someone pushes you, push back twice as hard. This is much better than awkwardness. It’s clear, it’s not passive aggressive, and you know where you stand. Start doing this immediately.

Refuse Boundaries. Walk where you want to walk. Don’t accept false choices. Don’t let people dictate how you should live your life.

Tell The Truth. You don’t need to be an asshole, but the world does not need another conflict-avoidant, evasive person. No one wants another individual who steps in line with everyone else. The status quo is doing fine without you, so it’s up to you to call bullshit if you see it.

Begin Your New Life. Take back your self respect. Do it today– try it right now. Wear something ugly. Do something stupid. Tell someone the truth.

And that’s all for now. I hope you like it.

Every morning I wake up, surprised that the week is still not over. And every morning, it takes a moment to wake up, and remember that today feels just like yesterday did – like shit. I don’t see it going away. So I’m going to go away. I don’t know what else to do, and I’m having a fucking terrible time getting myself up and over it.  I even made a list of things that usually make me feel better (which includes making lists) — and nothing helped. Nothing is working.

I will take some time for myself.

Things I will do instead of being online –

Read a book.

Buy paint samples and mark up the walls.

Reorganize the kitchen cabinets and pantry.

Clean and organize the garage.

Build a closet in the master bedroom.

Move the dogs to the spare bedroom (formally known as the ‘scale room’).

Mop.

Give the dogs a bath.

Continue daily yoga + elliptical trainings (this helps).

Maybe go see a movie or something.

Find a large chalkboard to buy.

Go grocery shopping for dinners next week.

Sleep on the couch while the tv plays.

Maybe move the furniture around.

Go see my parents, bring the dogs.

Make Lee something nice for breakfast.

Go to yoga Sunday morning at 10:00am.

Select and purchase linens for making curtains.

Get out of town, if I can.

Drink a beer by myself.

I don’t know why I bothered writing this list.

This is what it feels like to disappear.

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If Ewan is my boyfriend (he is — #1 since 2001) — then Rachel Weisz would be my first girlfriend (which, what a coincidence — I should check this out). I’ve loved her since The Mummy, but she’s looking really amazing in these pics, and it’s been 13 years. She is 41 years old — wow. It only helps that she married James Bond. These photos are gorgeous.

P.S. — here’s him, actually:

Yup. He just does it for me.

In other news, as soon as I’m done working out obsessive compulsively, I’m going shopping for new fishnets. Not like things have to go in that order, just next on the list, that’s all. Will just have to find the time. Important things.

Just kidding.

Well, maybe.

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If I wrote something brand new, what would I say? If I were brand new, what would I be? If I were thin, what would I do next? If I could get away, where would I go? If I were hot, what would I wear? If I didn’t have to get up for work tomorrow morning, what would I do? If I didn’t care, what could I do?

Man, I like that one best.

Because I feel like I’ve changed. And I do

not

give

a

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The difference between a sucessful
person and others is not a
lack of strength, not a
lack of knowledge, but a
lack of will.

- Vince Lombardi 

So I’m going to keep working out until that feeling goes away.

If there’s one thing I’m good at, it’s being stubborn.

 …. that’s like being willful.

I think.

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It’s a new dawn
It’s a new day
It’s a new life
For me
And I’m feeling good

Today is January 11th, 2012. I seemed to have missed a day here. Oh, weird. Well, I don’t have anything to write about anyway. I could write about nothing.. so, that’s what I’ll do. I will have a nice conversation with myself, since that’s about all I’m doing anyway. Entertaining myself. La-la-la.

Yesterday I left work early with Lee, to check out windows – but we couldn’t find the place Mike told us to go look at, so we tried finding our own places with no luck.. ended up at a place closer to home that really didn’t have anything either, so now it’s my mission to go online and see if I can find anything at all. I just want to know what our options are, since it’s our money buying windows. I want to see what my choices are, dang it.

I’m really excited about the windows, because as soon as we pick out the model we want, it’s time to purchase and install, finally. Which will make a world of difference. Mike’s going to trim them out too, so I’m very happy. After that task, we’ll be trimming out the doorways and possibly getting a new front door too (it’s either now, or sometime soon) — new trim around the house, and interior painting. And maybe wallpaper — yes I’m pretty sure that will be a pain, but I really like the look, so we’ll see.

Anyway — so we get home last night after our bust with window shopping, played with the dogs (who were thrilled to see us) — I tried hiding under the blankets (I wanted to take a nap) and Maddy jumped up on the bed, sat on me (so that I couldn’t escape) and proceeded to give kisses and kisses and kisses, until Lee finally stopped laughing long enough to save me and I was in tears. Aww gosh, that dog loves me. So then I actually took a nap (haven’t been sleeping well, or long enough at least) — a very, very long nap while Lee went to Costco for groceries (HALLELUJAH) and, when he came back home, he woke me up and we had grilled cheese and tomato soup for dinner. Which is my wintertime favorite, or at least my new wintertime favorite. I don’t actually like the soup, I just have it for dipping my sandwich. Yum.

So by now it’s after 7pm — my last chance for yoga is 8:15pm, and since I had not yet eaten for the day (other than my breakfast grapefruit) – yoga is a no. Not on a full stomach, no way. So I pick up the house a bit while Lee runs off to Albertson’s to return a rogue Redbox DVD (dang it), and then resign myself to a night of mindless tv, while Lee returns home just to head back upstairs to finish up his homework in his office (yup — extra bedrooms means we get fancy things like ‘offices’ and ‘the scale room’ — which only has one thing in it.. yeah, a scale). And there’s nothing really on, a re-run of Glee (which I’ve stopped watching — it really is a terrible show, I feel myself losing intelligence just by watching) — and so I decide on Biggest Loser. Which has the effectively installs a sense of guilt in me for sitting on my ass watching other people work out — so I ask Lee if he’d please drag my elliptical back in the house now that the Christmas tree is officially gone, and he does, and I get on my work out clothes, and proceed to spend the next 62 minutes and 7 miles (which is the Biggest Loser’s weigh-in and most of Parenthood, afterwards) busting my ass on the elliptical, which feels so much better than sitting on it on the couch.

So now it’s 11pm, Parenthood is over, and I’m sweaty. So I take a shower. And now it’s 11:30pm, and I go to bed. And then it’s 5:20am, and my alarm is going off so that I can meet Jenn at 6am for yoga. Aw, sheesh. It took a full, solid 2 minutes to convince myself that yes, I just need to get out of bed and dressed and then make the decision to stay home, if I want to badly enough. But funny thing, as soon as I’m physically out of bed, I’m ok. I just need to put an alarm in the hallway I think, that could certainly help things. The sleeping-version of me usually isn’t on board with whatever plans the awake-version of me made the previous night.

So I made it to yoga. Which feels pretty amazing, to have that out of the way. That’s two hours of serious exercise within 9 hours, not bad. And a clean house to boot. With groceries (he actually didn’t pick up much, but it’d been so long that truthfully I’m just happy to have real food again at this point).

And now it’s 12:32pm, and I’m starting to fade. I will probably need more coffee, or something. At some point I’m going to have to make a choice – if I’m a morning person, or a night person. I know the answer, and I know which one I’d like to be. But trying to do them both, excuse me ——  (yaawwwwn) —– killer.

As as a quick ending note, I’m going to start taking more trips. With my hubby. Or maybe just more long drives. Or nights out. Or something. I sure like him. He’s my favorite person to run away with. We can’t do that much anymore.