This Is Called Procrastination And I Don’t Even Like It

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Hi April 21st! At this rate, I’ll only have written here 36 or so times over the entire year. Nice, huh? I pretty much have no idea what I’m doing here any more. Prolonging the already slow, long death of this website. Morbid, yet funny. No purpose here. Totally ok.

Actually I’m very busy, wasting time (and money!) not studying and more importantly, not wanting to study, while still feeling incredibly guilty (and stressed!) for every moment spent not studying, so it’s pretty much a wash. I’d be just as unhappy studying, and I’d actually be accomplishing something. (Disclaimer – I am studying.. just not happily so). I’m also trying to spend as much money as I can, for no specific reason – buying new clothes (but no more new makeup) and trying to book a vacation now to Mexico, or Kauai, or possibly both. There will be a trip to Huntington Beach in there too, another work trip for Lee for which I will happily tag along.  And Joy just sent me a link for a groupon (for Vit b12) which has now spawned a full review of all the deals I could potentially have interest in, despite the fact that literally every groupon I’ve ever bought has expired or been forgotten about. So. It’s not a good idea.

It’s also come to my attention that I’ve recently written a handful of posts that were never published, like in the last few months of so — which I can’t remember was intentional or not. Interesting and well written, but in retrospect I’m actually pleased I didn’t post every thought I had, even the ones I bothered to write out. I go back & forth between being at my best and being at my worst, and I don’t really need the entire spectrum available for entertainment value or whatnot, lol. It’s for the best, trust me.

Besides my inexplicable school avoidance, I’ve been decently busy just with day-to-day life. No news is no news with the house — meaning I think we’re going to postpone moving or selling until this time next year, have a little break for me to work on school and for Lee to finish school, before jumping right into the huge task of listing and selling the house. Which is an instant relief. I don’t love it here, but I do like it most this time of year, so might as well not waste the whole summer over this. No real rush. Give time to figure out what we want to do next — if it’s really buying another house here, or rent for a bit, or move north or south, or move somewhere different entirely. Making the decision before kids is good, even if we change our mind later.

So postponing the non-fun decisions, I’m now trying to consider Playa del Carmen, or Ixtapa-Zihuatanejo. I’m really, really leaning towards Playa del Carmen, but going to Zihuatanejo could mean two vacations (Mexico + Kauai on timeshare) and so that’s something to consider. Playa del Carmen has cenotes which I’m absolutely obsessed with, not mentioning the history, ancient ruins, Caribbean Sea and rainforest jungles — yeah, I’m pretty convinced actually.

Separately, I’ve just booked a wine & painting party for two, and trapeze lessons for the girls — yeah, groupon was a bad idea. I’ll go upstairs & look over my existing wardrobe before pulling the trigger on my J.Crew sale order.

In final news, I’m officially back into a country phase (it’s a summertime thing, it’s just fun) and I started a new weight lifting plan at the gym — BECAUSE MY BACK DOESN’T HURT — and this is really the best news ever. I basically stopped taking any pain meds weeks ago, but I can actually sleep well again and working out doesn’t hurt instantly anymore. I already spoke to my crossfit dude & it looks like I should be good to join back up at the start of next month. I’m pretty damn ready, and excited. Fingers crossed, wish me luck.

And now I’ve avoided school work long enough (and — lunch!) and so it’s time for me to do some real work. Hopefully the weather improves and the sunshine comes back (pleeeease.. sunshine, please) — and I can go get a beer outside somewhere nearby. Only if I get some studying done. That’s the compromise. Let’s see if it works. On to another busy week. Miss you all — maybe if life slows down a bit we’ll get to see our friends again one day!

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Adult Swim

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I made the mistake — or conscious decision (or both) — to read back to this time last year here. At first it was fine. Last year was a pretty great if (a bit) crazy year. Then I felt sorry for myself, that I don’t have a Saint Lucia, like I did this time last year. Then I felt (temporarily) great that at least I was still on top of summer, still ahead of this summer at least! Then I got crazy anxiety thinking about how soon it will already be the end of this summer. Thought about last year’s adventures. It’s already April 10th. What the heck.

It’s only 11:16am. Deep breath. Time for new music again. I am not meant to work in an office. My life is creeping away from me, while I stare and loathe at this screen! I want to go home early & have a beer with my husband. It’s sunny outside. Who needs work!

Rant over. For now. Beers at Diamond Knot later, maybe. Easy. Took a walk outside for a mid-morning breather. Ah ok. Already better. Maybe we’ll ride bikes to Diamond Knot. It’s a good plan. Work is a bad plan. I need another plan — in general.

Moral of the story — I need to get another vacation booked. And quick. Before I feel any more sorry for myself. Just days after a long weekend in Arizona. Hahaha — I’m actually not an ungrateful c—- no, really! I just want it all. I’m super grateful! I’ll get it all too, one day. Sunshine, and beers, and then gym time. Today I will have it all. Muahahaha.

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Non-Suggestive

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I’m into trying new things again. Aching for it. Thinking Bassline starting Sunday for the week, and then maybe try another couple new places around here. Once the weather is reliably nicer, then weekend hikes and plan some great bike rides. I’m eager to get back outside. I need, I want the fitness aspect more than the beers right now. I’m sore from my last workout Tuesday, and it just makes me want it more. Craving a good old fashioned, cardio intensive, hard & sweaty time.

No innuendo.

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Whoo Hoo!

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I’m tan!

Haha – just kidding. I’m burnt as fuck.

A little tan though too! I’m pleased. Hahaha. Just a little tender. Loose clothing today.

 

I’m back home now. Yay! And it’s actually pretty nice here. I like it here, haha. I love short getaways. Everything just seems so much nicer. Like I pushed back the clock a bit, slept in a bit more, now I’m ok again. Can get through a little bit more of the normal day-to-day stuff. The best part is that it only cost $100, some airline points and food + gas — and it really was exactly what I wanted. Lee’s trip was paid by Boeing, since he’s been there most of the month for work — perfect timing. I can concede some of his absence at home if I get to make up for it like this.

Bonus – new season of Game of Thrones started Sunday. I woke up to coffee for breakfast, and a hubby who stayed home from work today (so nice). My lawn is green and overgrown, which is awesome & now I just need to get outside to mow (better than dirt!). It’s actually trying to be sunny here, which is nice, considering the total-body sunburn I’ve got going on, give that a bit to fade before I get any more sun.

5 days in the sun. Yesterday was the best, for sunshine — 85 degrees, we sat out by the pool and had beers, which I have to admit is my all-time favorite activity. Makes me think of St. Lucia which was almost this time last year — makes me want more sunshine beach getaways with more pool time & beers. Actually it makes me want to move south — another beach town adventure, beach life — I just would plan it out better, next time. And not San Diego.

Sunday was the most incredible, adrenaline pumping, heart stopping adventure — I’ll charge my cameras & get some pics up — seriously, the most terrifying hike of my life, incredible pay-off, dead camera at the top, but didn’t matter! Found two great hikes while we were out in Sedona, which was incredible in just the drive out itself — we spent the long weekend driving the VW convertible, which was such a treat. My face is still a little windburnt, certainly not used to the feeling of warm sunshine & breeze zooming around 80 mph through the open and empty hills on the 2 hour drive out there. Again — I wish we had some of that out here. Open road, or the sunshine. At least it’s April now — my recharge couldn’t have come at a better time, because now I have spring & summer in my sights. So close.

So, summary — I love Arizona. I wouldn’t move out there. I would visit multiple times though. Like, any time. I did miss the cool air — Seattle at 12:30am felt wonderful, a literal breath of fresh air. Came home to our dogs sleeping (my dad brought them back over yesterday evening) — I don’t think anyone has ever been so glad to see me, which is really the best feeling in the world. I wish everyone was so happy to see me! Haha. I did miss them. Too much traveling would be hard, just because I wish we could travel with them too.

Already planning future travels — I’d really love to go to Italy before we have kids, and having a baby is currently in talks around here. Yikes. But for now — more vacation. Maybe Maui in the meantime. I’m pretty much already packed.

 

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I Know You Will

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I’ve seen the world
Done it all, had my cake now
Diamonds, brilliant, and Bel-Air now
Hot summer nights mid July
When you and I were forever wild
The crazy days, the city lights
The way you’d play with me like a child

Will you still love me when I’m no longer young and beautiful
Will you still love me when I got nothing but my aching soul
I know you will, I know you will
I know that you will
Will you still love me when I’m no longer beautiful

He’s my sun, he makes me shine like diamonds

Will you still love me when I’m no longer young and beautiful
Will you still love me when I got nothing but my aching soul
I know you will, I know you will
I know that you will

Lana Del Rey, Young and Beautiful

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Ahhh – Here’s My Reward

 

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Drunk in the sunshine. In Arizona. Nowhere else I’d rather be. Try not to be jealous.

Ok. You can be jealous. It’s pretty nice.

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Changing Seasons

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Two weeks without writing! I’m not sure what to make of that. Just staying busy I guess. Or I just forget to write. I switched over from the Vicodin to something else that makes me really fuzzy when I take it — so I don’t really take that either. Fuzzy is better than sleepy though. Between being so sick November-December, and then injured Jan-March, this is the most drugs I’ve ever taken (the only real drugs I’ve taken). It’s not as much fun as everyone makes you think. I’m pretty unimpressed, really.

So, as to be expected from the above, I’m still not healed — or even any better — which is a lot of fun. I’ve gotten much better at knowing what movements or positions aggravate it,  so at least my overall quality of life has improved a bit (considering at the beginning, I was on the couch or on the floor, as my only source of relief). Still couldn’t go back to crossfit yet — sobs — but I have been taking a few easy classes lately, and yesterday ran 4 miles at the gym (I use the term ‘run’ very loosely here). If I can’t do what I used to be able to, I’ll do what I can. Even though that is nearly infuriating — being so limited when I used to be able to do so much more. But doing nothing just makes me sit around feeling worse. Even walking is better than nothing. I guess. Stubbornly.

I start back at school again next Tuesday — which I’m really actually excited about; then I get to go to AZ for a long weekend, which I’m also very excited about! Plus we have great plans this weekend,  Friday & Saturday, and I’m done with the strict part of my diet tomorrow. I lost 20 lbs — which is great, and also infuriating — but 4 months out of commission (nearly 5) on steroids/Prednisone (gained 10 lbs in the 10-day course).. it’s all just so frustrating. Back to normal now though, even ahead of where I was before all of this. And slowly getting back in the shape I was last summer, the level of fitness I was at before I got so sick. I am definitely ready for a beer, though. And no more steroid treatments. Although I could use a protein shake. Some additional energy.

Lots going on around me but my life has pretty much calmed down, other than what’s going on above, and it’s not bad. I’m very happy. I’m excited about school & what it means when I graduate. I’m excited for short warm-weather getaways and for summer approaching. I’m excited for BBQs and hikes and camping and summer beers. Grass is growing, our flowers are blooming, we’ll sell our house and get to find a new home, there’s a lot to look forward to & I’m pretty optimistic about it all. Any sadness, bad feelings, uncertainty — it’s gone; the clouds have cleared, and I feel like my normal self. I can’t tell you how relieved I am, to just feel normal. I am just so much a happier, content person when the seasons change.

 

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Might As Well

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Oh my god. It’s such a nice day outside. What the hell am I doing inside.

Jump in. Might as well. Logging off & going outside to wash the cars!

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A Lot About Nothing

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I’ve established a trend — I write about just me & what’s going on in my life, like this is a journal; or, I write about general thoughts and ideas, like this is some actual publication and I actually have something smart to write about. Some obscure or deep ponderings about life, or vague tips on how to succeed or be happy, yada yada — things I may or may not have any real idea about. I don’t intend for this to be a recollection of my life, but that’s how it’s starting to feel. A play-by-play. So, that’s got to change. I’ll try. Like I’ve said many times before — if you’re not a part of it, sneaking a peek here seems a lot like cheating. If you miss it, you miss it. Try harder.

For example, I don’t really want to write about the things on my mind — school, pain, home, babies, heartache, heartbreak. I already let my thoughts run off without me (meaning, often enough, I wake up thinking about things that hurt me — like my brain just wants to check to see if those things can still hurt me). My brain is an asshole, apparently. Anyway, I don’t need to let them run wild here, too. I’ve got a pretty good grip on my life. I’d like to keep it.

I did mention looking for a new theme for this year, a couple months ago now (dang, this year is flying by). Not really a lesson, but a guide. Last year the idea was “everything new” — or something along those lines. But this year, without meaning to I think my theme has been more like “acceptance.” Accepting that certain things are out of my control. Accepting things as they are, people as they are. Accepting my life, and being happy and grateful for it as is, not always worried and looking ahead and trying to make sense of everything. A lot of things aren’t meant to make sense. You don’t always get closure, or reassurance. Things don’t always get to be nice and tidy or resolved. So — acceptance. Deep breath. Let it go. Do what you can, and just let the rest go.

Something else I’ve accepted — I hate wintertime. All this darkness. I don’t mind the cold, or the rain — but I need the sunshine. I need to wake up feeling happy, and the sun does that for me. Today is a really nice day. I need more of it. And not more distraction, or acceptance, or lessons learned or heartache or disappointment or anger, sadness, frustration, … all of it. I need a vacation, but I need the sunshine more. I’m really not sure what to do about it.

I’m not in classes again until April 1st. I’m kind of in this limbo, in the meantime. I have had a lot of time to think. I’m following a new health plan for the 2nd half of this weight-loss competition I signed up for, and I’m completely ditching all sugar, alcohol & carbs until March 29th. Berries and fruits are ok; no fats, just protein and vegetables, coffee without sugar, no dairy or wheat. Strict works best for me — I’m an all or nothing kind of girl; I don’t compromise well. As far as home, we have all sorts of things to do for the house, but it’s pretty slow going. So much to do that it seems like nothing gets done. I’m not helping much at all. I’m trying to get back into being active but it’s difficult; I have my MRI review appointment scheduled for Thursday, and I’m hoping it helps resolve things more quickly. I don’t need a distraction. I need to get busy again, and I’m dying here waiting. I don’t do well waiting either, apparently.

One of our best friends are having a baby. It’s crazy, and super exciting, and it changes everything. We’ve had lots of friends have babies, sure. Most of our friends actually have babies now (actually.. almost all of them — wow). This has been the biggest change though, in my mind, at least. I can’t even explain it. It’s not baby fever. It’s like — the opposite. I’m suddenly terrified of the idea. I don’t know what that means. Plus, I’m not excited for them to leave. I know a baby means it’ll happen sooner rather than later. Blah.

I wish I could go running. That’s what I really want to do.

I need an adventure. With Lee, too. I love him. I do. I just need something big and exciting. I can’t place it. It’s always been my biggest problem. I am always missing just one thing. But I never know what it is. I feel fine. Just never complete. Never finished. That’s probably normal for everyone, but for once, I’d like to just feel ok as-is. Not anxious or waiting or thinking this isn’t it — I know, this is it. I’ll die and think, what — what about everything else that was promised, what about everything else I wanted to do? But I’m not doing those things now; or if I do, I’m not paying attention. It’s not anxiety — it’s just this missing piece. It’s probably just the sunshine — I don’t remember feeling like anything was missing when we were happily HH’ing last summer, lazy summer afternoon beers. I need to move to a little coastal town in CA. Ha. *(We tried that, once). We’ll figure it out. I’ll figure it out. Maybe more books. More writing. More music. Less tv, less distractions. More outdoors. More exploring. I’ll be ok.

Oh — and last, before I leave — this is my latest favorite song. I love stuff like this.

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Well F*ck, Hello March

Spotify0303

Not prepared. Listen to music instead.

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