Adult Swim

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I made the mistake — or conscious decision (or both) — to read back to this time last year here. At first it was fine. Last year was a pretty great if (a bit) crazy year. Then I felt sorry for myself, that I don’t have a Saint Lucia, like I did this time last year. Then I felt (temporarily) great that at least I was still on top of summer, still ahead of this summer at least! Then I got crazy anxiety thinking about how soon it will already be the end of this summer. Thought about last year’s adventures. It’s already April 10th. What the heck.

It’s only 11:16am. Deep breath. Time for new music again. I am not meant to work in an office. My life is creeping away from me, while I stare and loathe at this screen! I want to go home early & have a beer with my husband. It’s sunny outside. Who needs work!

Rant over. For now. Beers at Diamond Knot later, maybe. Easy. Took a walk outside for a mid-morning breather. Ah ok. Already better. Maybe we’ll ride bikes to Diamond Knot. It’s a good plan. Work is a bad plan. I need another plan — in general.

Moral of the story — I need to get another vacation booked. And quick. Before I feel any more sorry for myself. Just days after a long weekend in Arizona. Hahaha — I’m actually not an ungrateful c—- no, really! I just want it all. I’m super grateful! I’ll get it all too, one day. Sunshine, and beers, and then gym time. Today I will have it all. Muahahaha.

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Non-Suggestive

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I’m into trying new things again. Aching for it. Thinking Bassline starting Sunday for the week, and then maybe try another couple new places around here. Once the weather is reliably nicer, then weekend hikes and plan some great bike rides. I’m eager to get back outside. I need, I want the fitness aspect more than the beers right now. I’m sore from my last workout Tuesday, and it just makes me want it more. Craving a good old fashioned, cardio intensive, hard & sweaty time.

No innuendo.

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Whoo Hoo!

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I’m tan!

Haha – just kidding. I’m burnt as fuck.

A little tan though too! I’m pleased. Hahaha. Just a little tender. Loose clothing today.

 

I’m back home now. Yay! And it’s actually pretty nice here. I like it here, haha. I love short getaways. Everything just seems so much nicer. Like I pushed back the clock a bit, slept in a bit more, now I’m ok again. Can get through a little bit more of the normal day-to-day stuff. The best part is that it only cost $100, some airline points and food + gas — and it really was exactly what I wanted. Lee’s trip was paid by Boeing, since he’s been there most of the month for work — perfect timing. I can concede some of his absence at home if I get to make up for it like this.

Bonus – new season of Game of Thrones started Sunday. I woke up to coffee for breakfast, and a hubby who stayed home from work today (so nice). My lawn is green and overgrown, which is awesome & now I just need to get outside to mow (better than dirt!). It’s actually trying to be sunny here, which is nice, considering the total-body sunburn I’ve got going on, give that a bit to fade before I get any more sun.

5 days in the sun. Yesterday was the best, for sunshine — 85 degrees, we sat out by the pool and had beers, which I have to admit is my all-time favorite activity. Makes me think of St. Lucia which was almost this time last year — makes me want more sunshine beach getaways with more pool time & beers. Actually it makes me want to move south — another beach town adventure, beach life — I just would plan it out better, next time. And not San Diego.

Sunday was the most incredible, adrenaline pumping, heart stopping adventure — I’ll charge my cameras & get some pics up — seriously, the most terrifying hike of my life, incredible pay-off, dead camera at the top, but didn’t matter! Found two great hikes while we were out in Sedona, which was incredible in just the drive out itself — we spent the long weekend driving the VW convertible, which was such a treat. My face is still a little windburnt, certainly not used to the feeling of warm sunshine & breeze zooming around 80 mph through the open and empty hills on the 2 hour drive out there. Again — I wish we had some of that out here. Open road, or the sunshine. At least it’s April now — my recharge couldn’t have come at a better time, because now I have spring & summer in my sights. So close.

So, summary — I love Arizona. I wouldn’t move out there. I would visit multiple times though. Like, any time. I did miss the cool air — Seattle at 12:30am felt wonderful, a literal breath of fresh air. Came home to our dogs sleeping (my dad brought them back over yesterday evening) — I don’t think anyone has ever been so glad to see me, which is really the best feeling in the world. I wish everyone was so happy to see me! Haha. I did miss them. Too much traveling would be hard, just because I wish we could travel with them too.

Already planning future travels — I’d really love to go to Italy before we have kids, and having a baby is currently in talks around here. Yikes. But for now — more vacation. Maybe Maui in the meantime. I’m pretty much already packed.

 

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I Know You Will

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I’ve seen the world
Done it all, had my cake now
Diamonds, brilliant, and Bel-Air now
Hot summer nights mid July
When you and I were forever wild
The crazy days, the city lights
The way you’d play with me like a child

Will you still love me when I’m no longer young and beautiful
Will you still love me when I got nothing but my aching soul
I know you will, I know you will
I know that you will
Will you still love me when I’m no longer beautiful

He’s my sun, he makes me shine like diamonds

Will you still love me when I’m no longer young and beautiful
Will you still love me when I got nothing but my aching soul
I know you will, I know you will
I know that you will

Lana Del Rey, Young and Beautiful

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Ahhh – Here’s My Reward

 

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Drunk in the sunshine. In Arizona. Nowhere else I’d rather be. Try not to be jealous.

Ok. You can be jealous. It’s pretty nice.

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Changing Seasons

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Two weeks without writing! I’m not sure what to make of that. Just staying busy I guess. Or I just forget to write. I switched over from the Vicodin to something else that makes me really fuzzy when I take it — so I don’t really take that either. Fuzzy is better than sleepy though. Between being so sick November-December, and then injured Jan-March, this is the most drugs I’ve ever taken (the only real drugs I’ve taken). It’s not as much fun as everyone makes you think. I’m pretty unimpressed, really.

So, as to be expected from the above, I’m still not healed — or even any better — which is a lot of fun. I’ve gotten much better at knowing what movements or positions aggravate it,  so at least my overall quality of life has improved a bit (considering at the beginning, I was on the couch or on the floor, as my only source of relief). Still couldn’t go back to crossfit yet — sobs — but I have been taking a few easy classes lately, and yesterday ran 4 miles at the gym (I use the term ‘run’ very loosely here). If I can’t do what I used to be able to, I’ll do what I can. Even though that is nearly infuriating — being so limited when I used to be able to do so much more. But doing nothing just makes me sit around feeling worse. Even walking is better than nothing. I guess. Stubbornly.

I start back at school again next Tuesday — which I’m really actually excited about; then I get to go to AZ for a long weekend, which I’m also very excited about! Plus we have great plans this weekend,  Friday & Saturday, and I’m done with the strict part of my diet tomorrow. I lost 20 lbs — which is great, and also infuriating — but 4 months out of commission (nearly 5) on steroids/Prednisone (gained 10 lbs in the 10-day course).. it’s all just so frustrating. Back to normal now though, even ahead of where I was before all of this. And slowly getting back in the shape I was last summer, the level of fitness I was at before I got so sick. I am definitely ready for a beer, though. And no more steroid treatments. Although I could use a protein shake. Some additional energy.

Lots going on around me but my life has pretty much calmed down, other than what’s going on above, and it’s not bad. I’m very happy. I’m excited about school & what it means when I graduate. I’m excited for short warm-weather getaways and for summer approaching. I’m excited for BBQs and hikes and camping and summer beers. Grass is growing, our flowers are blooming, we’ll sell our house and get to find a new home, there’s a lot to look forward to & I’m pretty optimistic about it all. Any sadness, bad feelings, uncertainty — it’s gone; the clouds have cleared, and I feel like my normal self. I can’t tell you how relieved I am, to just feel normal. I am just so much a happier, content person when the seasons change.

 

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Might As Well

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Oh my god. It’s such a nice day outside. What the hell am I doing inside.

Jump in. Might as well. Logging off & going outside to wash the cars!

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A Lot About Nothing

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I’ve established a trend — I write about just me & what’s going on in my life, like this is a journal; or, I write about general thoughts and ideas, like this is some actual publication and I actually have something smart to write about. Some obscure or deep ponderings about life, or vague tips on how to succeed or be happy, yada yada — things I may or may not have any real idea about. I don’t intend for this to be a recollection of my life, but that’s how it’s starting to feel. A play-by-play. So, that’s got to change. I’ll try. Like I’ve said many times before — if you’re not a part of it, sneaking a peek here seems a lot like cheating. If you miss it, you miss it. Try harder.

For example, I don’t really want to write about the things on my mind — school, pain, home, babies, heartache, heartbreak. I already let my thoughts run off without me (meaning, often enough, I wake up thinking about things that hurt me — like my brain just wants to check to see if those things can still hurt me). My brain is an asshole, apparently. Anyway, I don’t need to let them run wild here, too. I’ve got a pretty good grip on my life. I’d like to keep it.

I did mention looking for a new theme for this year, a couple months ago now (dang, this year is flying by). Not really a lesson, but a guide. Last year the idea was “everything new” — or something along those lines. But this year, without meaning to I think my theme has been more like “acceptance.” Accepting that certain things are out of my control. Accepting things as they are, people as they are. Accepting my life, and being happy and grateful for it as is, not always worried and looking ahead and trying to make sense of everything. A lot of things aren’t meant to make sense. You don’t always get closure, or reassurance. Things don’t always get to be nice and tidy or resolved. So — acceptance. Deep breath. Let it go. Do what you can, and just let the rest go.

Something else I’ve accepted — I hate wintertime. All this darkness. I don’t mind the cold, or the rain — but I need the sunshine. I need to wake up feeling happy, and the sun does that for me. Today is a really nice day. I need more of it. And not more distraction, or acceptance, or lessons learned or heartache or disappointment or anger, sadness, frustration, … all of it. I need a vacation, but I need the sunshine more. I’m really not sure what to do about it.

I’m not in classes again until April 1st. I’m kind of in this limbo, in the meantime. I have had a lot of time to think. I’m following a new health plan for the 2nd half of this weight-loss competition I signed up for, and I’m completely ditching all sugar, alcohol & carbs until March 29th. Berries and fruits are ok; no fats, just protein and vegetables, coffee without sugar, no dairy or wheat. Strict works best for me — I’m an all or nothing kind of girl; I don’t compromise well. As far as home, we have all sorts of things to do for the house, but it’s pretty slow going. So much to do that it seems like nothing gets done. I’m not helping much at all. I’m trying to get back into being active but it’s difficult; I have my MRI review appointment scheduled for Thursday, and I’m hoping it helps resolve things more quickly. I don’t need a distraction. I need to get busy again, and I’m dying here waiting. I don’t do well waiting either, apparently.

One of our best friends are having a baby. It’s crazy, and super exciting, and it changes everything. We’ve had lots of friends have babies, sure. Most of our friends actually have babies now (actually.. almost all of them — wow). This has been the biggest change though, in my mind, at least. I can’t even explain it. It’s not baby fever. It’s like — the opposite. I’m suddenly terrified of the idea. I don’t know what that means. Plus, I’m not excited for them to leave. I know a baby means it’ll happen sooner rather than later. Blah.

I wish I could go running. That’s what I really want to do.

I need an adventure. With Lee, too. I love him. I do. I just need something big and exciting. I can’t place it. It’s always been my biggest problem. I am always missing just one thing. But I never know what it is. I feel fine. Just never complete. Never finished. That’s probably normal for everyone, but for once, I’d like to just feel ok as-is. Not anxious or waiting or thinking this isn’t it — I know, this is it. I’ll die and think, what — what about everything else that was promised, what about everything else I wanted to do? But I’m not doing those things now; or if I do, I’m not paying attention. It’s not anxiety — it’s just this missing piece. It’s probably just the sunshine — I don’t remember feeling like anything was missing when we were happily HH’ing last summer, lazy summer afternoon beers. I need to move to a little coastal town in CA. Ha. *(We tried that, once). We’ll figure it out. I’ll figure it out. Maybe more books. More writing. More music. Less tv, less distractions. More outdoors. More exploring. I’ll be ok.

Oh — and last, before I leave — this is my latest favorite song. I love stuff like this.

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Well F*ck, Hello March

Spotify0303

Not prepared. Listen to music instead.

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Being An Adult

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Ah – this link, and the top comment. I had to share, worth writing about so I did. This was another great one. I’m just gonna start doing all the fun stuff on my own, if I have to! Stupid adults. Also, I don’t think this technology stuff improved anything. I miss playing outside. Exploring around. Playing in creeks and spending summertime walking around dirt roads, looking for cool stuff and playing with sticks. We’d go down to the river every nice weekend in high school. Damn. I miss that.

Related, “weekend warriors” — this is my fucking worst nightmare, and only worse being that we don’t even find the time for that. Only getting to do the things you want on the weekends. What bullshit. This is not the kind of adult I want to be. I don’t want to give up Monday-Friday, I don’t want to come home exhausted and chill in front of the tv or just try to do everything I’m supposed to do, with no time for life, that’s insane.  Like — it’s already March, seriously? Last weekend we did nothing. Actually most of this month has been nothing — which has been mostly out of my control, but still. Frustrating. Things will improve once the responsibilities/chores/etc wear down. Once the sun comes out. Then at least we can starting drinking outdoors.

Speaking of — I’m so excited to sell this house. I think renting is in my future. Making money is fun, but I’m not sure it’s worth it — we’ll see, I guess (money improves perceived experience, fact). Three years, $50k? Yes, worth it. I’d do it again, for that. I’d be damned to lose money on a house, so in that regard, I’m glad we chose what we did. Buy less than we need, profit.

I’m ready to get on board with moving to Arizona. You guys could come visit. It’s so nice.

I think we’ll go exploring this weekend, maybe take a ferry somewhere? Friends, you’ll have to start inviting yourselves (another stubborn thing — sorry). You start to feel burnt out, making an effort, unreciprocated. Not burnt out, really — just discouraged. You feel funny, silly. Nobody wants to be that friend who tries too hard; it should just be easy. You know the difference between easy and not, so you can tell when it starts to get awkward. Not just in regards to this, either — I really mean, for all aspects of your life, everything. It’s like you’re a puppy. If you’re smacked enough times, you won’t do that again. Similar idea. Sort-of.

Examples:

  • I love planning & organizing things; I would be awesome at wedding planning, event or vacation planning, being a personal stylist etc. (i.e. spending someone else’s money — sign me up). I plan the best dates (and I have so much fun on them too). But, I hate being the only one who plans things. I’m good at it, but I want someone else to do it sometimes, too. I want an outside perspective, something I would’ve missed otherwise, another brain to contribute. I don’t always want to choose everything. I like being told what to do, dammit. I like to be surprised, too!
  • Lee’s been in Arizona for work this week — and that’s when he’s the sweetest, when he misses me. He sends me little notes, and calls me, and generally just notices me, as this other human being. You’re so comfortable having someone (or something) around, that you start noticing them a little less; they’re guaranteed, so you don’t necessarily say the things you used to say, don’t necessarily make the gestures you used to make. Not taking them for granted, but assuming they’ll be there. Sometimes you just need a refresher to see things more clearly, to be present. (I spent the week having conversations with/at my dogs — trust me I missed him!!)

Everyone just wants to be important to somebody. Me, I want to be important to everybody, that’s my flaw haha. Maybe it’s just me. I know we’re all adults, and adults get busy. Us included. It’d be fun to be kids again.

P.S. 72+ hours without checking Facebook. This must be a new record. I’m best at doing things cold turkey; stout resolution and overwhelming stubbornness that works for me on this one — I think, maybe I’ll just never check it again.  And this writing 1x/week here — this isn’t bad. I like it.

Happy early weekend!

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