I’ve established a trend — I write about just me & what’s going on in my life, like this is a journal; or, I write about general thoughts and ideas, like this is some actual publication and I actually have something smart to write about. Some obscure or deep ponderings about life, or vague tips on how to succeed or be happy, yada yada — things I may or may not have any real idea about. I don’t intend for this to be a recollection of my life, but that’s how it’s starting to feel. A play-by-play. So, that’s got to change. I’ll try. Like I’ve said many times before — if you’re not a part of it, sneaking a peek here seems a lot like cheating. If you miss it, you miss it. Try harder.
For example, I don’t really want to write about the things on my mind — school, pain, home, babies, heartache, heartbreak. I already let my thoughts run off without me (meaning, often enough, I wake up thinking about things that hurt me — like my brain just wants to check to see if those things can still hurt me). My brain is an asshole, apparently. Anyway, I don’t need to let them run wild here, too. I’ve got a pretty good grip on my life. I’d like to keep it.
I did mention looking for a new theme for this year, a couple months ago now (dang, this year is flying by). Not really a lesson, but a guide. Last year the idea was “everything new” — or something along those lines. But this year, without meaning to I think my theme has been more like “acceptance.” Accepting that certain things are out of my control. Accepting things as they are, people as they are. Accepting my life, and being happy and grateful for it as is, not always worried and looking ahead and trying to make sense of everything. A lot of things aren’t meant to make sense. You don’t always get closure, or reassurance. Things don’t always get to be nice and tidy or resolved. So — acceptance. Deep breath. Let it go. Do what you can, and just let the rest go.
Something else I’ve accepted — I hate wintertime. All this darkness. I don’t mind the cold, or the rain — but I need the sunshine. I need to wake up feeling happy, and the sun does that for me. Today is a really nice day. I need more of it. And not more distraction, or acceptance, or lessons learned or heartache or disappointment or anger, sadness, frustration, … all of it. I need a vacation, but I need the sunshine more. I’m really not sure what to do about it.
I’m not in classes again until April 1st. I’m kind of in this limbo, in the meantime. I have had a lot of time to think. I’m following a new health plan for the 2nd half of this weight-loss competition I signed up for, and I’m completely ditching all sugar, alcohol & carbs until March 29th. Berries and fruits are ok; no fats, just protein and vegetables, coffee without sugar, no dairy or wheat. Strict works best for me — I’m an all or nothing kind of girl; I don’t compromise well. As far as home, we have all sorts of things to do for the house, but it’s pretty slow going. So much to do that it seems like nothing gets done. I’m not helping much at all. I’m trying to get back into being active but it’s difficult; I have my MRI review appointment scheduled for Thursday, and I’m hoping it helps resolve things more quickly. I don’t need a distraction. I need to get busy again, and I’m dying here waiting. I don’t do well waiting either, apparently.
One of our best friends are having a baby. It’s crazy, and super exciting, and it changes everything. We’ve had lots of friends have babies, sure. Most of our friends actually have babies now (actually.. almost all of them — wow). This has been the biggest change though, in my mind, at least. I can’t even explain it. It’s not baby fever. It’s like — the opposite. I’m suddenly terrified of the idea. I don’t know what that means. Plus, I’m not excited for them to leave. I know a baby means it’ll happen sooner rather than later. Blah.
I wish I could go running. That’s what I really want to do.
I need an adventure. With Lee, too. I love him. I do. I just need something big and exciting. I can’t place it. It’s always been my biggest problem. I am always missing just one thing. But I never know what it is. I feel fine. Just never complete. Never finished. That’s probably normal for everyone, but for once, I’d like to just feel ok as-is. Not anxious or waiting or thinking this isn’t it — I know, this is it. I’ll die and think, what — what about everything else that was promised, what about everything else I wanted to do? But I’m not doing those things now; or if I do, I’m not paying attention. It’s not anxiety — it’s just this missing piece. It’s probably just the sunshine — I don’t remember feeling like anything was missing when we were happily HH’ing last summer, lazy summer afternoon beers. I need to move to a little coastal town in CA. Ha. *(We tried that, once). We’ll figure it out. I’ll figure it out. Maybe more books. More writing. More music. Less tv, less distractions. More outdoors. More exploring. I’ll be ok.
Oh — and last, before I leave — this is my latest favorite song. I love stuff like this.